Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize