Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
