I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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