Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
