My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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