checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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