I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
