Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
