She said her name was "party"
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Randomize
