I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
