Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
