what day is it and did you see me today?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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