So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
