I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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