see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
