you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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