My boss' voice literally gives me gas
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
