Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
