i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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