put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
