I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
