I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Terrible idea I love it
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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