So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Randomize
