My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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