Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
