Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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