she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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