My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
