I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
