So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
