I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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