Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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