rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
