There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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