Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
