Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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