she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
