He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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