Can i not drive my cunt home
i may or may not be watching the land before time
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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