i'm signing you up for texting rehab
This house was built for laser tag.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
