god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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