I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
