why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize