Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Randomize
