Someone shit on the floor
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize