I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
