I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
