She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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