Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
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