I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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