I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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