If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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