...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
