i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
4 words: hood of his car
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
