Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
