i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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