I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
