In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
