Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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