I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize