You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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