i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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