I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
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