do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
