my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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