im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
