Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Randomize
