After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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